I love a monster.
I want her to be well enough to come home. I want to throw my whole everything into loving her and caring for her and into making her be well again. But I just don't think it's going to happen.
Her grandmother finally died. She attended a few minutes of the funeral, and was calm and collected, and appropriate, and everyone was very impressed, and Aunt Kelly, who marrried a Catholic, invited us to bring her to Easter dinner at her house this year.
Rachel continued to do better and better. I was getting so hopeful. She was sharing her feelings and improving her behaviors, and had two (hospital-staff-supervised) home visits in a row that went beautifully, and I was starting to think maybe there was a chance again, maybe someday she could come home.
And then two days before the Easter visit she threatened to murder one of the hospital staff. And she smacked another child in the arm and across the face. And she was physically sexually explicit with a staff member. And etc, and etc.
We didn't bring her.
I love her so desperately, my 12 year old child, and I can't have her. My husband says to focus on my Joey, my miracle, and the rest of the good things in our life. I want to. I dearly want to. I just want her so dearly to be well enough to be home.
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We let her come home for a couple of hours last night, hospital staff supervised, it was meant to be a calm laid back play session outdoors in the trees. It wasn't. She berated me for being angry at me insisting that Aunt Kelly would never want her back now, that everything was my fault.
ReplyDeleteWe tried to get her to talk about her feelings. The counselor, my husband, and I, sat in a circle with her, trying to get her to speak in some way that made reasonable sense to us, because we understood that she was angry, but we needed for her to get words out that were accurate and a part of our collective reality.
At one point in the discussion she started sdreaming and heading to the other side of the yard where Joey was playing, and I stood up and told her to either sit down or head in the other direction. She did, but thten went in a circke, so as to escape our yard and head for the woods. My husband caught her, and the staff herded her back into the car.
More later...